Fuel for the Fire

I love a good debate, where two people have intelligent knowledge on a subject and can talk about it, giving each other different perspectives to think about and fuel the conversation without getting angry at one another.

But when you hit a nerve, and the conversation takes a turn for the worse you have to know when to shut it down, swallow your pride and concede your point.

This is next to impossible when your feelings now dictate how you are going to respond to questions.  A switch has gone off in your brain and you stop thinking about your answers in a constructive way, you start looking for ammunition (past mistakes) to use against the other person instead of solving the problem at hand.  Your voice starts to raise, your heart beats faster, creating adrenaline which fuels your anger. Your mind is now working to hurt the other person because they hurt you.

I know instantly when this starts to happen, for me and for the other person, the look on their face, their mannerisms, and they start to fidget more. It is really hard to bring yourself back down, especially if you have a strong passion for what you are arguing about. 

Some people don't have a strong passion for what they are talking about but instead are more interested in being right.  They will continue to prove themselves correct even after the conversation is over, and an hour later come and show you more "proof" of their argument from earlier.  To this person it is more important that they "win" the argument instead of solving the problem together.  Its highly destructive.

When you are arguing about something, you have to ask yourself a few questions.

• Is this really all that important? 
• Is this a power trip technique?
• Is this important to the other person?
• Are they arguing about this but are really mad about something else?

You may ask yourself, why do I have to be the bigger person? My answer is why not? Do you want to sit and argue endlessly over some frivolous topic for days? I would rather stop it before it starts. I have no need to argue about the cheerios box that you think used to be a different color.

A really good sign to end an argument is when the other person starts using the looping strategy,  They start off with a question and after you answer them they ask you the same question again, don't get caught up in that loop, shut it down now.

When you are in an argument, stay calm, and try to see the other persons point, and how they see the situation, it might be vastly different than yours. Even if you can't understand how they got to there.  If its not an important issue to you, say "Ok, your right and I'm wrong" and move along. There is no need to water a dead plant. 

If it is an important topic for both of you, then stay on topic. If it can't be resolved now, agree to do it later. But stay on topic, if someone suddenly says "you're just as stupid as your mother" it means you have just insulted them somehow and they are coming back with an insult of their own.  This solves nothing! Say sorry and get back on topic. Do not fight back. Walk away. Come back later.

A good fire doesn't need more fuel.

Scott Goerz